Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
