I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
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