Just cropdusted the office
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
