Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
