my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
