You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
