Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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