what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
My liver is preforming stress tests.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize