if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize