my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
