last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
