margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
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