I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
