Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Randomize
