My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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