i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Randomize
