I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
