I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
