I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
