I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
false alarm. still invincible.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
pray to the hookup gods
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Randomize
