the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize