I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
