I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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