If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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