once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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