I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
My day in three words: secret purse cake
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize
