When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Randomize
