Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I should be sponsored by Trojan
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Randomize
