she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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