Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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