sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
