Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
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