he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
