I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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