rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
