oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
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