Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
