and you said cock pushups were impossible
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Randomize
