It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
Randomize
