Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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