I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
