I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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