i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
