I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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