Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize