I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Screwed.edu
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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