Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Brb crying the tears of my youth
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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