Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
