I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
