If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
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