I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Randomize
