I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
