I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
