Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
whose ass print is on the piano?
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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