You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
You ruined the universe
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
