Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
I checked into jail on foursquare
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
