STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
