For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize