I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Randomize