when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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