I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
