K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
is that a dick in a sweater?
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
He shit in the fireplace
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize