So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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