That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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